I went from living to existing
My personal road to health and happiness began when I was too young to have any notion of what was happening to or within me. I was bullied by an older brother who very much needed to be an only child and I had distant parents, for various reasons that I won't go into as I love them both with all my heart and don't wish to disparage them here. I have done my processing, understanding and forgiveness and am at peace with it all now. But those early years affected me in ways that I had no idea were even possible, from things that I would consider standard, simple parenting to more in-depth aggressive neglect as well as physical and mental abuse, all that caused me severe emotional and physical disruption as I grew.
Where it all began
My story starts at age 4 when I was so un-enamoured with life that I wished I wasn't part of it anymore - which is true for many whom I work with the feelings of low self worth, of not being loved or wanted embedding themselves within us at such an incredibly young age. By age 9 I hated my life so much that I had developed an eating disorder that slowed my appetite and metabolism down so much it eventually more or less stopped my appetite and by age 14 my hormones were imbalanced to the point of severe gut, immune and endocrine disruption. But where did this all come from? For a child so young to have so many severe health issues, there must a medical reason right? Or so I thought until I started this work.
I was given simple instructions, such as 'if you don't finish your dinner you'll have it for your breakfast' which in turn caused me to despise food and any authority surrounding it, meaning I also become incapable of eating in front of anyone or in public, hiding away when I ate (for many reasons, not just this one example as it's important to understand that one issue is never the cause of one issue, there is not one deciding factor in why we develop as we do, no one statement made, or one slap given, it is the culmination of all experiences that cause such issues to develop). I was told to 'stop crying or I'd be given something good to cry for' which caused me to shut off completely from any kind of gentle emotional energies or vulnerabilities - energies that we all need to survive in this world, and especially so as woman - and I was battered and bruised so much by my older brother that I both 'hated' (not a word I am now comfortable with but at the time was very real to me) and feared 'men' (to a small child father and brother are all men) in equal proportions, aided and abetted by my dad's aggressive style of parenting. I came into this world a gentle, soft, loving, caring child and by age 4 I wanted to leave again despising everything about my life and those I expected unconditional love and acceptance from.
How I came to fall apart
By the age of 18 my hormone imbalances were enough that I had become more or less infertile and as a result of these imbalances my endocrine and immune functions weakened to the point of unbearable insomnia at just 22 years of age. And this wasn't the occasional sleepless night but the never ending, never ever sleeping night. And it wasn't just that I never slept but that I never wanted or needed to, which was actually the weirdest part of it all, I just never wanted to, or ever needed to, which I later found out was because my body was now running on pure adrenalin, for which a fate worse than I was already experiencing was to come - both chronic and adrenal fatigue. Next came digestive problems followed with intense bouts of nausea so acute that I'd make my throat bleed sticking my fingers in to alleviate the pain, hoping vomiting would come only to be let down with each attempt. Occasional back pain escalated into sciatica and then all over pain followed. I went from vibrant and upbeat to downtrodden, needing drugs and alcohol to boost me, to allow myself to be out in a world that I was so convinced hated (still not a word I am comfortable with but was so reflective of how I felt about the world and my place within it), judged and mocked me and only wanted to cause me harm. My masks of illusion were on so tight I couldn't breathe and I literally no idea of their presence, instead believing myself shy and quiet, someone who just needed to get to know someone before I could open up and be myself with them. Blissfully unaware I being controlled by false narrative after false narrative, until I fell apart, physically, mentally and emotionally, disliking myself so very much, finding the world and everyone in it terrifying, believing myself to be so fat and ugly that I couldn't possibly eat else I'd be judged and ridiculed even more. And then there were the defeating bouts of depression, extreme shyness or anxiousness. And rage, of which I had an abundance.
Somehow through all of this, and being so heavily in my masculine energy by this time so as to be driven to prove the narrative that ran all the way through me wrong, I managed to make a good strong solid career for myself, but for someone who believed whole heartedly that they weren't good enough for anyone or anything I had to go to extremes, becoming addicted to working at a job which I loved and gave me something which I could finally feel proud of, that was finally mine, that my brother couldn't take from me. I went through a phase of regularly working 120 hour weeks, eating little if anything at all, surviving on caffeine and rum. I got more engrossed in work and the lifestyle that working in the media industry brought with it, enjoying the fame and success of a career I excelled at and all the parties and jubilation that entitled me to. I drank too much, I took too many drugs, I never went to bed and I worked my backside off, and I'm exhausted even typing this now!
A spider sat down beside her
Then in 2011 I moved to Australia with the aim of cleaning up my lifestyle. No more constant partying, no more constant working, I'd be healthy and happy at long last. 3 months after arriving, while lazing on Coogee beach I was bitten by a sand spider. The smallest little thing you ever did see was about to have the largest impact on me. A wake up call of monumental size as within a few hours my leg was swollen so badly that I was limping, it hurt to stand up and I could barely sit down, the swelling was so substantial I'd never seen anything like it and in true Aussie style the Doctor in his laid back drawl informed me I had had been bitten by a bacteria riddled bug and that I had contracted Lyme Disease. Both horrified and having no idea what Lyme Disease was I happily took his (what I later found out to be incorrect) antibiotics and watched the swelling in my leg disappear with not a thought given to what Lyme Disease was as the Doctor had seemed so casual about it all. How bad could it be, huh?
Little did I know what lay ahead. Crippling chronic fatigue, 24/7 debilitating nausea, allergies to almost everything leaving me so weak and vulnerable all I could eat was frozen white fish and peeled white potato. My periods stopped completely, my bowels ceased to work, ever, my hair fell out and even stopped growing. I itched from head-to-toe to the point it drove me to tears. I had malabsorption that had me limping to the toilet after just the smallest sip of water and I had lucid dreams so terrifying I'd throw myself out of bed in an attempt to wake myself up from them. The list of symptoms was endless and so incredibly painful.
My catch 22
I'd struggled with depression during many times of my life before this point, but to be honest I had no idea that's what it was, it felt so normal to me to feel so unhappy that I had no idea there was a name or a label for it. I even surmised with myself at one point that I just couldn't understand people with depression as I had no idea what it felt like but by now I was so ill that I couldn't disguise depression any longer, I literally did not wish to go on for a second longer, I needed this torture to just stop.
Things got so bad I had no choice but to give up the job I'd worked so very hard for, the beach lifestyle I adored to fly home where I spent the next three years in my parent's spare bedroom, rarely leaving the house, rarely having the energy to even get out of bed. I saw specialist after specialist with their offers of the familiar prescriptions of anti nausea medication, laxatives, anti anxiety and antidepressant pills. The darkest period came when a doctor of last resort told me that I would eventually develop cancer and at that point, and only at that point would the NHS help me. The Joseph Keller Catch 22 was that I was too sick and with too many symptoms that I was too expensive to treat, so they wouldn't, not until I developed a terminal disease.
Action cures fear, inaction creates terror
But strangely this is the moment I am most grateful for, for had he not told me this I may have continued on the path of my conditioning believing that modern medicine and mainstream science were all that existed to help me, and had I done that I wouldn't be here today writing this blog post. This Dr's outrageous words spurred me on, they gave me the kick up the proverbial that I needed to stop self-pitying, to stop mourning myself and to start on the journey I now know I was always meant to be on. A journey of self discovery and alignment with all that I am. A journey I would have started much sooner and for much less painful reasons had I not been so conditioned to believe I was not good enough and didn't fit into the world and that modern medicine was the saviour of all. There are so many ways my journey could have, and should have started sooner but not for the childhood conditioning I was subjected to. And so here I am today, healed, cured, repaired and regenerated, but how did I do it?
The many expensive treatments I tried
After 3 years of attending Biomagnetism treatments religiously every week, sometimes twice a week I still wasn't recovering. I was chronically fatigued, had adrenal fatigue, pain so bad it was destroying my mental health, what little I had left of it, crippled with feelings of misery and depression and eventually had no choice but to face the fact that there was more to it all than just the physical and mental symptoms I could put a label or a name to. I had to face the fact that emotionally I was being triggered and controlled and had turned those triggers and controls into physical manifestations of pain within every cell of my being; body mind and spirit. And it was this realisation that finally set me on my path to a full recovery, with the help of some lovely friends and therapists along the way.
I wondered though, how do you get emotional energies out of the body?
Unsure of what to do I studied the impact of the mind-body connection, I used EFT and Reiki, I tried de-armouring and tantric body work, acupuncture and Kambo, and whilst they all did something they all did nothing, with the exception of Kambo which woke me up to my true nature and to the true nature of all that I was and all that I'd become, and finally I started to see a path through the fog.For reasons I can't explain, that path led me to become attuned to Reiki. I honestly couldn't tell you why, I have no idea. Something in me lit up when I even just considered it, like fireworks at Hogmanay going off inside of me, and that was it, the start of a self discovery process so deep and pure that it has blown me away and brought me back together again, complete and wondrously unique and imperfect and whole and happy for the first time ever, really.
Falling in love with myself
This whole process made me realise that I had been controlled my whole life, conditioned from such a young age to believe that I wasn't enough, that I wasn't deserving and deep down in the dark recesses I even had the belief that I needed to be ill because ill I didn't have to be a part of this world. I could see clearly for the first time how I'd been hiding behind drugs, partying, alcohol and excessive working. Just how much I disliked and even, at times, hated myself, how I couldn't look at myself having spent most of my life body dysmorphic, crippled by fear that I masked with OCD, crippled with insecurity and a complete lack of self-love or self-respect. And within a few short months I had cleaned it all out and underneath it had found not just my self-respect, self-love, self-confidence and the belief in myself that I could do and be anything I wanted to be, including healthy, but my truest expression of myself and the believe that it was actually OK to just be that expression of self that I always was, hidden away underneath the layers of pain and inner torment.
My very own big bang
My epiphany moment was big and bright; stuck, blocked emotional energy is dangerous, and causes more dis-ease than all the pathogens in the world ever could.
Emotional, energetic release work is hard, and it's painful, and it makes you face things you'd really rather not. It was like someone holding the sides of my head and forcing me to stare into the mirror I'd spent years avoiding. But had I not done the work I'd still be ill today, and I always would be, that's if I were here at all.
And so the work I do now (or what I loosely call work as how can something so pure, something I am so in love with ever truly be called work) as Enlightened Life is aimed at helping other people realise the impact that their childhood conditioning and limiting belief system, behavioural traits and stagnant energy flow is having on their health, helping to facilitate their own epiphany moment, freeing them from disease to become the people they always were.
I love it, and as bizarre as it sounds, I'm not sure I'd change much of what it took to get me here.
"When we heal, we free ourselves to become the people we always wanted to be, the people we always were underneath the years of stagnation and pain".
With so much love & gratitude
Enlightened Life xxx